Being pregnant after having a miscarriage was one of the most beautiful and scariest experiences of my life. I was a mom of 2 boys and had miscarried July of 2015. When I found out I was pregnant again I was so happy and excited I wanted to share it with the world but I was scared so I did not and did my best to manage my internal state. At times, I was successful and at other times, fear won. I was forced to sit with uncomfortable emotions and figure out a way to enjoy this pregnancy. I was terrified of having a miscarriage again. So we decided not to share the news with our boys and family until I was at least 12 weeks pregnant.
As I write this I realize that this experience still affects me. I like to focus on the positive things in my life but I know that my miscarriage story may give another mama hope. Miscarriages happen more than we realize and we do not talk about it enough.
I remember finding out I was pregnant the Summer of 2015, I was so excited I really wanted another baby to be honest I have always wanted 4 or 5 kids, my husband not so much. I shared the news with my husband and immediately sent out a text with a picture of my positive pregnancy test. I was so excited. My boys were going to have a baby brother/sister. I remember going into the clinic to confirm my pregnancy and asking if it was safe to fly. We were going to my friend’s wedding in Buffalo, New York and I just wanted to be sure it was safe to fly this early in pregnancy. My midwife assured me it was. I hate flying and I am sure I really wanted her to say no, but she didn’t so we went on with our plans. I was excited to see my friend again, I had not seen her since my wedding in 2008 and we were also going to meet up with some family. On our first full day in Buffalo, we went to Niagara Falls.
We had so much fun, it was such a beautiful experience. I highly recommend going. We did a lot of walking and I remember cramping the next day, it was super uncomfortable, I made sure I was drinking water and we changed some of our plans for the day after calling my midwife. I remember going out to eat for lunch and feeling as if I had started my period, I went to the bathroom and realized I was spotting and my cramps were getting a little stronger, Luis told me not to panic but I could tell my mom was concerned (my mom has also experienced a miscarriage). That evening we went to my friend’s wedding it was beautiful, she was a beautiful bride. Sunday I woke up and went to the emergency room, I was there for hours, I was finally sent home, I was still pregnant but was told I could miscarry, I cried and cried. Monday I went back after being sure I had miscarried and I had as I write this my heart breaks and I think of every single one of you who have experienced this, it was the hardest and scariest day of my life. I could not stop crying, I could not understand why, did I cause it? My nurse held my hand and cried with me, she shared she had had several miscarriages and understood my pain, she prayed for me and she assured me that I could not have prevented this, today I pray that she has found the answers she was looking for and that she is a mama because that is what she wanted most. Leaving the hospital empty without a baby in my womb was nothing I thought I would ever experience. Sharing the news with my boys was hard, I had already told them we were expecting. It took me a very long time to quit crying, to quit questioning what had happened and to quit blaming myself.
When I got pregnant with Abelangel I was scared, I was so excited but terrified at the same time. I would like to say that it got easier as time went by but it didn’t. Abelangel is my rainbow baby.
Even though I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone, it happens. I hope that in some way, sharing my experience may bring some level of comfort. I will say this- It is okay to feel exactly what you are feeling, whatever that is.
If you have a friend or family member who has experienced miscarriage, here are two things you can do to help, I know they would have helped me:
- Check-in on her every few days for at least a month. Call or text her and just let her know that you’re thinking about her.
- When you speak with her, ask her how she is feeling and let her talk about it for as long as she needs to.